When I began this journey with cancer last winter, I had no idea what to expect. I was terrified, but also determined to go on this journey the best way I could. There is no choice as to when you will embark on this journey; the dates are set, and there is no flexibility! You can’t buy insurance, because most everything is unknown, except that you have cancer. It is a disease of not only the body; the mind and soul are affected as well. Yes, there is such a thing as ‘chemo brain’ – just ask my family! The various modes of travel are determined by the caregivers. Chemo Air was probably the worst. But I made it! Being strong is sometimes the only option you have, and in my experience it’s better than the alternative.

I think it was the comedienne Gilda Radner, who said that if it weren’t for the downside, cancer would be the best thing, and everyone would want it! Downside notwithstanding, it’s an incredible learning experience. You learn what’s important, and you learn to prioritize. My main priority was to get well, and I had lots of help with that from family and friends. First of all, Howard was a rock. He’s the eternal optimist, and helped enormously through the roughest times. My daughter Kristine would send an email every morning saying “how is my beautiful mom today”? Boy did I need that! With my bald head and puffy face, I felt anything but beautiful! Jeremy called daily from Seattle. And came to visit twice! On one of those occasions our wonderful daughter- in -law Janice came as well! Anthony and Vanessa in Taipei stayed in close contact, doing their best to minimize the twelve time zones separating us. There was some compensation in that they sent our lovely granddaughter Trudi to cheer me up. Siblings from across Canada were unfailingly supportive. And what can I say about the myriad of friends? I didn’t know I had so many friends! It is humbling and gratifying to receive such a flood of good wishes, cards, letters, emails, flowers, food, from so many people. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

This last week I met with my oncologist, Dr. McCarron at the Cancer Centre here in Kitchener. She gave me the good news that I have come out of all these treatments with flying colours, and I am in REMISSION!! She said that because I was otherwise in good health before this journey began, they opted for an aggressive chemo and radiation regimen normally reserved for a 50 year old! Well, as you know, I turned 50 quite some time ago! 🙂
I was in tears when she gave me the good news, and then I was even more moved when she too welled up. I cannot say enough good things about her, and all the doctors, nurses and volunteers who helped me on my journey. Without exception, they have been professional and empathetic and caring.

As this has been an unusual journey (for me) to uncharted territory, I would concur with Marcel Proust when he says, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”.

And now I look forward to more, perhaps less harrowing travels, undertaken with boundless gratitude, renewed energy, and new eyes.

Love,
Maggie

Now has the summer of my discontent..ended! With that tip of the hat to the bard, I am ecstatic to report that it is the beginning of September, and my journey of cancer treatments is over! While the last several months with their occasionally fraught moments are now history, I’m now anticipating a trip which promises to be exceedingly more benign and even pleasant. The main itinerary is recovery and building up my strength .
The last three weeks have been taken up with daily (Monday through Friday) radiation treatments. Every morning, I had a mask fitted over my face ( see picture below) which was bolted very tightly to the table which was in fact a long, narrow metal slab with a molded form for my head to fit into. The mask pressed into my face, forcing me to keep my eyes tightly closed throughout the 10 minute radiation procedure. After the mask was removed, my face looked like a waffle! People in the halls seemed to look somewhat strangely at me as I walked out, and probably cancelled their waffle order for breakfast!
The radiation itself is a painless procedure, and is in no way remotely as traumatic as chemotherapy, at least in my case. But it does have a few side effects, fatigue being one, a sunburned red neck, and an acutely sore throat being two more. Eating is difficult for now, so I’m mostly restricted to smoothies, yogurt, soup, or something puréed! The upside is that I’m eating less, and have been able to shed a few extra pounds!

But the summer had so many good moments as well. In August we were very fortunate to have Jeremy, our youngest son, come from Seattle for a visit – a very special treat for me! Another highlight was the visit of our granddaughter Trudi. What a brave little 9 year old she is, to travel all by herself from Taiwan, a fifteen hour flight! She enjoyed a week at camp, spent time with her auntie Kristine who took her on many excursions. (By the way, Kris has been a tower of strength through this entire process, always being there for me ).And of course Opa Howard spent a lot of time with Trudi, swimming and going for numerous ice cream treats. Having Trudi here was such a joy, her boundless energy notwithstanding! We were exhausted (in a good way😀) at the end of every day!

I’m not quite sure what happens next, but of course I will continue to be monitored. I anticipate some anxiety as I wait to hear whether or not the treatments have been successful! At this point I am optimistic they have been. The path ahead beckons, it’s various twists and turns revealing themselves in the fullness of time. It’s all part of a lifelong journey, but I for one am looking forward to rather more agreeable modes of travel.

There already are signs that my body is striving to recover from all of this; my bald head now has the ugliest patches of fuzz gamely attempting to be hair! It’s also distressingly not as dark brown as it used to be! This, I think it’s safe to say, is a first world problem! Following the summer of my discontent, I anticipate a glorious fall and winter.

I so appreciate my wonderful family and many friends, who have been remarkable in showing their love and support in a multitude of ways. Thank you all! It’s great to be alive!

Hugs,
Maggie

Where am I?

Recently I have been spending a lot of time in the arrivals/departure lounge for frequent flyers. A few weeks ago, “Chemo Air” landed after a not to be recommended turbulent ride. There were altogether too many ups and downs (literally and figuratively), and I used up my quota of barf bags. Despite the competence of my trusty pilot/oncologist, the care and compassion of the angelic flight attendants/nurses,( who spared no effort in making the journey as easy as possible for me), I still felt like an empty shell with nothing left inside me. It reminded me of my growing up years on a farm in southern Alberta where every week I would help my father prepare chickens to be sold to private customers. After dispatching the birds, we would dunk them briefly in boiling water, remove all the feathers and eviscerate them. Well, I too had my feathers (hair) removed, and during my treatments felt as though I was being eviscerated! At least there was no boiling water, and I certainly had not been dispatched! 😀

But now that part of the journey is over! Hallelujah! However, A few weeks ago I had an interesting side trip to the ER at the Grand River Hospital, where I was diagnosed with an extremely painful lung infection – not so unusual given my compromised immune system. What an experience that was! To “quarantine ” me from the bacterial petri dish that is your typical ER waiting room, I was given a chair in a tiny alcove next to a swinging door where I spent 2 less than idyllic hours observing the hospital traffic. After I was upgraded to a bed, there followed the usual round of procedures – blood work, EKG, X Rays, and CT scan. One dose of Percocet, a week’s supply of antibiotics in my hot little hand, and seven fraught hours later we were on our way home! It’s a day trip to be avoided if at all possible! So now I am back in my metaphorical lounge, waiting somewhat impatiently for the next leg of my journey to begin. Another cat scan just this past week was to determine whether the antibiotics have been effective. Assuming a green light on that front, radiation treatments should commence shortly. This will consist of 15 treatments over a 3 week period. If I’m lucky I could be finished by September!

Will my cancer be gone? Will I be in remission? Will I be “cured” ? Or might I be facing further treatment? I fervently hope that I can put paid to this whole episode. I have been so very fortunate in that my Hodgkins Lymphoma is restricted to one area in my neck and seems not to have spread. My family and friends continue to be amazingly patient, encouraging me to be strong and resilient, especially when those attributes are occasionally in short supply. The journey of life is, quite literally, a once in a lifetime experience, unique to each individual traveller. When this particular phase of my journey is over (and I have every confidence it soon will be), I will be able to process it all a little better, and realize more fully how rich an experience this is.

What I do know even now is that I have so very much to be grateful for, and, in spite of the constant fatigue, I am able to enjoy this wonderful summer. Next week Howard and I will celebrate our 52nd(!!) anniversary. If he’s up for another 25 years, so am I!

Love,
Maggi

52 years ago…

… And now.

Yes we are identified by number in the Chemo ward, but not number only; our full names and birth dates are constantly being confirmed as well. I was thinking recently about Solzhenitsyn’s “Cancer Ward”, there being some parallels between that Russian scenario and my own (admittedly much better) distinctly Canadian one. In his semi- autobiographical novel, Solzhenitsyn too is suffering from lymphoma, spending time in a cancer ward with a number of other patients. His account takes place over a period of two weeks (which, incidentally,is the length of time between my treatments). Of course the novel is an allegory referring to the cancerous political climate in Stalin’s Russia.

My bi-weekly day of treatment begins with registering and getting my wristband at the front desk. My number, name, birthdate, address are checked each time. Then it’s up to the 4th floor for the inevitable blood tests. The results are available in 2 hours after which I see my oncologist. She reviews all my “vitals ” and we determine I’m indeed ready for my next chemo treatment.

The treatment room is a large one, flooded with natural light. The atmosphere exudes calm, serenity, and good humour amongst all the bald heads and intravenous poles. Suspended on each pole are the specific bags of cocktails custom made for each patient. The many volunteers, all of them angels, are always there to help,ready to fetch warm blankets and a variety of beverages (scotch excluded, I regret to say). I have one nurse assigned to me for the duration (4 hours). It’s an afternoon of heavy “drinking”! With a saline apperitif followed by my unique cocktail of various fluids, it’s definitely time for a bathroom break, no easy feat when you’re attached to an iv and big pole. M

However, I’ve learned to maneuver myself and my accoutrements between and around other chairs and poles. This may happen 3 or 4 times in course of the afternoon. My cocktail is obviously a lethal one, judging by my nurse/ bartender’s heavy gown, face mask, and visor. In my Benadryl – induced haze, she reminds me of an astronaut. Howard reads all the latest political outrages to me ( the supply these days is limitless). Dry crackers combat nausea (unfortunately sans smoked salmon and capers)!

And then it’s over, and we walk out into the sunshine,having had another ordinary afternoon in the cancer ward. Whereas Solzhenitsyn was confined to the hospital, I get to go home, have a good dinner, and wait for the hangover which will begin the next day. Several days later I begin a slow steady recovery, gearing up for the next round.

Although it’s a journey I would not readily recommend, I cannot say enough good things about my wonderful family and friends who have opted to tag along with me, and shout encouraging slogans along the way! My caregivers are exceptional, and I’m very fortunate to get such excellent care. Till next time!

Hugs,
Maggie

HAIR! A woman’s “crowning glory “, or is it? We complain about it; it’s too short, too long, too curly, too straight, too thin, too thick – you get the picture. Yet we can’t live without it, or at least we think we can’t. Hair is an integral part of our persona, and defines who we are. It gives us confidence, it says who we are to others. We spend a considerable amount of time and money on our hair, just to make sure it shows us to our best advantage. So what happens when it’s suddenly gone?

This morning I woke up with a reasonable amount of hair, although the last few days large bunches were coming out, exactly two weeks after I started chemotherapy, just as was predicted. So a few hours ago, I went to get my head shaved. Yes, there were tears, but also laughter. We made it a family affair with Howard, daughter Kris, and grandson Justin there to talk me through it. I look in the mirror and see this strange creature looking back at me. Is that really “me”? Who am I? Am I still the same person? Are my ears really that big? My head looks like a round cabbage (at least it’s not green 😀). My family assures me that I look great. Of course they’re lying, but that’s okay, I’ll accept that!

What a strange and unusual journey this is. I am surrounded with lots of love and the most caring of friends. Quite overwhelming. How could I be so lucky? Having said that, I would not recommend it! I could do without the fatigue, the nausea, the flu like symptoms. But I’m alive, and loving every minute of it, even without the hair!
Hugs,
Maggie

Dearest friends,

Since I first informed you about my latest trip, I have been overwhelmed by the most wonderful responses from you. Thank you! And now a number of you have enquired as to where I am on this journey. So here’s a quick update.

Almost 3 weeks ago, I had another more extensive biopsy, which confirmed that yes indeed, I do have Hodgkin Lymphoma. This past Friday, I met with my oncologist at the Cancer Centre here in Kitchener. She’s a lovely middle-aged? young woman, very professional, kind, and thorough. I had a lot of information thrown at me, and really it was like learning another language, a medical one to be sure. At least it’s not Mandarin, which I never did quite master! But they say learning a new language is good for the brain and staves off dementia! So I’m good for a while! This next week is full of tests, a bone marrow biopsy (not pleasant), a full body CT scan, a Pet test, a Muga test (to be sure my heart is up to the stress to follow), and I’ll have a port or line put into my chest so that I don’t have umpteen needle marks for the next 6 months. I don’t want any of you to think I’m an addict! Some of these procedures will determine what stage I’m at.

The plan is to begin chemo treatment the first week in May. One day of treatment, and then 2 weeks off to recover. Then the same routine over and over again for up to 6 months. And yes, I will lose my hair quite soon after treatments begin. So tomorrow Kris and I are going wig shopping! A whole new adventure! Maybe I’ll reinvent myself and get a whole new look!

In the meantime, I feel really good except for some fatigue. I welcome you all to stop by for a hug! Expect to get one as well as give one!

Love,
Maggie

April 4th, and there is lots of crunchy snow as we head out at 8 am to St. Mary’s Hospital for my day surgery on my lymph glands. Howard is being his usual supportive self, and is at my side all day long. First there’s waiting, then registration., and a thousand questions. Nurse impressed that at my age I take no medications! More waiting and more questions. I get to discard all the extras in or on my body. I can keep my artificial knee, hip and silicone implants!! No body piercings, contacts or false teeth allowed. Finally, it’s just me and my ravishing hospital gown. I get a “station” put in my hand, and I settle in for more waiting. Howard reads all the latest news stories to me, which helps to pass the time. Finally, I get wheeled into surgery. It’s cold in there, but they give me a warm blanket. Heaven. Everyone is so pleasant yet professional. Next thing I know, I wake up in a recovery room. The pain in my neck, is excruciating, but the nurse is right there with a pain killer which I feel surging through my veins almost immediately, and except for the nausea, feeling much better in my groggy state.

Eventually I get put in a wheel chair, and Howard navigates, mostly successfully, around IV poles, walkers, other wheel chairs , etc. We manage to make it to the car, and Howard drives like a nascar racer to get me home as quickly as possible. With my barf bag in one hand, and hanging on for dear life with the other, we make it home in one piece! I fall into bed, but a few hours later, I have the most fantastic homemade noodle soup ever, made by my extraordinary, superwoman daughter. The paper with a list of instructions from the hospital suggests that I make no important decisions for 24 hours. That doesn’t keep us from having an animated political discussion, and of course in my drug induced state, an enlightened viewpoint.
Now there’s more waiting! Before I receive further treatment, they have to wait for the pathology report, so that I can have exactly the right kind of treatment. That’s another 2 weeks at least!!
A long time for someone who’s as impatient as I am!

It’s now the next day, and yes, I am on painkillers, and I have a sore neck, but I’m totally lucid, I think!
If the above sounds too much like Sarah Palin, just ignore!
It’s a beautiful sunny day, and I’m grateful to be alive! Now for a nap…

xo,
Maggie

Dear Friends and Relatives!

Those of you who know me well, know that I love to travel. I love the unknown, and I like to try new things including new foods, even sampling barbecued silkworms, snake, and grilled water dragonflies! Well we, (Howard and children) are embarking on a new, unplanned, uncharted trip, not knowing exactly where we’re going! Our trusty GPS isn’t going to help for directions, and the diet is not nearly as attractive. It’s kind of a solo trip for me, but with great companions along the way. A brand new adventure.

This morning I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. For sometime I have had swollen lymph glands in my neck, and finally, what has seemed to be a very long waiting game, I was given a diagnosis.
Next week Monday I will have a portion of a lymph gland removed, a complete cat scan, more blood tests etc. Following that, I will begin chemotherapy, a process of one week with two treatments, then two weeks off to recover, then the same process all over again six times. This will continue for about 5 months. This will be given intravenously. We are fortunate in Kitchener to have an outstanding cancer treatment centre. I guess I will not always feel great, and oh yes, I will need my fashionista friends to help me choose a wig! Yikes!

The good news is that the success rate of treatment for Hodgkins Lymphoma is very high. I consider this a bump in the road – I have other places to travel to, and friends to see! I am incredibly blessed to have the best husband in the world, and the most amazing children and grandchildren, and last but not least, an army of incredibly supportive relatives and friends. I thank you now for your good wishes and prayers. I have always felt that I have an exceptionally rich life, and I expect that to continue.

With love and gratitude,
Maggie

It’s our last full day in Kunming! In some ways it feels as though we’ve been here for a year because of the many new and different experiences, but in fact the two months have gone by fairly quickly. My apologies to Alan J Lerner for the loose paraphrase of his lyrics that largely sum up our experience in China (the feminine references are to Kunming, our mistress these 2 months) – ” I’ve grown accustomed to her ups and downs, her look, her face, [her smells], her joys, her woes, her highs, her lows, are second nature to me now, like breathing in and breathing out, (not) so easy to forget, rather like a habit one can break, and yet, I’ve grown accustomed to the trace of something in the air, accustomed to this “place”!

We’ve now spent a total of six months (4 last spring, and 2 again this year) living in this exotic, other-worldly place, and we’ve barely scratched the surface. In my dotage I am slowly learning to appreciate another culture that is so vastly different from ours. Language of course, but aesthetics, food, manners, temperaments, ways of doing things, are in marked contrast to our “western” way of responding to familiar situations. Sometimes it’s frustrating, sometimes hilarious. Yesterday Howard and I both got the giggles when our friend Lillian who has a smattering of English asked us about peaches. So of course we responded by saying yes we loved peaches etc.  etc.. She had this puzzled look on her face, and said no, peaches as in music. We finally figured out she meant pitches!! I wonder how often we have had conversations supposedly about the same thing but totally talking past one another!

The last two weeks have been busy! Last week Howard had two concerts.  I must tell you about the wonderful gift he had for me. The concert was on the 22nd of May, the day after my birthday. Howard had programmed the lovely Siegfried Idyll by Richard Wagner, and the 22nd of May was Wagner’s 200th birthday. As many of you know, Howard loves to program things so that the dates have special significance. Wagner had written this work for his wife’s birthday, but she always celebrated her birthday the next day, so Howard thought how appropriate to dedicate this work to me on the day after my birthday! Of course I was thrilled, but only after I had it translated to me from Chinese to English by my seat mate. The stage host for the evening of course spoke only Chinese!

Soloists dress extravagantly!

A delicious vegetable stirfry

Flower tower in the park

Colourful minority groups in costume for May Day Parade

Charming young girl who wanted to practice her English skills on us

The next concert was an outdoor concert where the orchestra played mostly Strauss Waltzes.  They did have “staged” dancers, but many in the audience danced as well. I would say it was fairly obvious that this was not Vienna – the waltz is not yet second nature to Kunming, but everyone had a wonderful time, even in the Tango!

Beautiful dancers!

Chinese Temple

Wine (awful) –  used only for toasts

It’s been a very busy time for Howard preparing 6 concerts these 2 months, with much of the (Chinese) repertoire being new to him. I managed to keep busy as well, but more of my own doing. Because of transportation issues, it was not practical to teach English at the university an hour away. But I did explore the neighbourhood, and I actually managed to read 21 books – everything from Oscar Wilde to David Bergen to George Bernard Shaw!

This last week has been a good one socially with some young (30’s) expats from Holland and Britain. Discovered some great new restaurants just when I was thinking I might be getting tired of Chinese food! Not so, there’s so much more out there that we haven’t tried. Maybe next time?? Who knows…

The 18 month old son of our security man in our complex. He knows us by now and beams when he sees us.

Street snacks

Old man playing erhu, and his wife singing

Cleaning up the garbage at the street corner

More street food..

I don’t remember who it was that said “Adventure is a path that forces you to have first hand encounters with the world”. Our adventure in this part of the world has forced us (mostly willingly) into many first hand encounters!

Tomorrow morning we leave for Beijing, a 3 1/2 hour flight. We’ll spend a few days enjoying the sights and sounds of that great city. Then on Saturday it’s home! We can hardly wait. Looking forward to seeing many of you soon!

Hao lunkong xianzai,  (Goodbye for now)

Maggie

Yunnan province is  China’s ultimate foodie region. It is the melting pot of culinary cultures, borrowing from neighbouring provinces and cultures. The hot spicy flavours  from Sechuan including the tongue-numbing peppercorns called prickly ash, are prevalent and used in many dishes. But adjacent countries such as Laos, Vietnam and Thailand  also contribute to the extensive versatile  flavours as do the many minority groups settled in Yunnan. The benign climate in Yunnan also ensures that a great variety of fruit and vegetables are available year round.

Vegetables in the market

Yunnan is blessed with a perfect climate for growing mushrooms, and there are many varieties, all very tasty. Some of them do have strange names, at least the translation of the names are strange – cow liver mushrooms and monkey head mushrooms, to name just two!

Besides the usual vegetables that we have back home, the Chinese use  a lot of lotus roots, bamboo shoots, pea sprouts, broccoli and beans of many types. Then there’s one that looks just like fiddleheads.

Fiddleheads?

Vegetables are often marinated or pickled, and when cooked or steamed, never overdone! Cabbage is used a lot, especially in soups. These are often served at the end of the meal, and are usually (to my mind) quite tasteless, but after all the spicy food, it is a welcome relief.

Cabbage soup, and tofu

One of Kunming’s most famous dishes or meats is Xuanwei or Cloud Ham, a strong, tasty, fatty(!) cured ham, slightly salty and sweet. Good if you can get beyond the fat!

Cloud Ham

Very rarely do we have dessert, but we did one time, and it was quite delicious. It was a baked papaya, slightly scooped out and filled with a tapioca coconut milk mixture.

Baked papaya

Flowers or buds of flowering trees and shrubs are commonly used in cooking as well. Jasmine buds are frequently used in egg dishes, and they actually taste like capers. Day lilies are popular too, and we’ve frequently had flowers of bananas, chrysanthemums,  and pomegranates in various dishes. Fish is on every menu here, and mostly baked whole, head and all. In fact, the guest of honour at the table gets the head! Hard to eat with chopsticks and pick out all the bones! Tasty, though!

Mandarin fish

Howard enjoying tofu!

Various kinds of mushrooms in a broth

Spicy pork liver

In the past I think I have mentioned that when we go to restaurants, we look at pictures of the food and choose accordingly. Well recently some of the restaurants have decided to  add a “translation”  for some of the dishes, with limited success! Somehow, “hairy beef stomach”, “violent chicken” or “fried intestines” don’t do it for me, and we gladly eat our vegetable pasta at home!!

Pasta with fresh vegetables and of course wine!

The Muslim influence is fairly strong here, and this weekend we intend to try out one of the better Muslim restaurants which are known for their lamb. Because of this Muslim influence, there is also some emphasis on dairy products among the general population, but this is unique to Yunnan. Fried goat cheese is quite popular. The other regions of China have little or no dairy in their diet. Eggs and yogurt are not refrigerated here, and I still often feel uneasy about buying these products, but that’s how it’s done! There is constant talk of food safety standards, and I think most restaurants are trying, and they are now being graded. An A is excellent, a B is good, and C not so good! We have encountered only B’s so far. In restaurants I like to sit where I can’t see the kitchen, or I would soon lose my appetite! Amazingly, we have not been sick at all; in fact our health has been excellent!

Two weeks ago, we met the charming Roz Weitzman, a teacher from Toronto who has lived in China for 8 years, and has written a cookbook of Chinese Comfort Food. We recently enjoyed a lovely Chinese lunch she prepared for us in her apartment. Delicious!

Chinese lunch at the home of Roz Weitzman

There is much to learn  about Chinese cooking and I’m barely scratching the surface. Having said that, we do love to go to the French Cafe, enjoy a salad and provencale tart and a good bottle of wine! Especially pleasurable is sitting outdoors in this wonderful climate and watching the people go by…endlessly fascinating!

We have 3 weeks left here. Two major concerts for Howard with the Symphony, and a  lecture  about Glenn Gould at the university. The last 4 days will be spent in Beijing, and then on the 1st of June we are home! I am looking forward to” really” cooking again, and barbecues on the patio!

Zhidao xia yici! (Till next time),

Maggie